Highlight of Houston Astros Season: Snow Cone Fired For Taking Huge Dump On Next To Snow Cones

I don’t care how old you are, dumps are always funny. This has to be considered the highlight of the Houston Astros season right? They’re 14-33, and only getting worse. They’ve allowed 89 more runs than they’ve scored. Second worst in the AL is the Toronto Blue Jays at -43. They’re pretty much as bad as you get, and fans in Houston have no reason to go the games.

I guess I want to start by saying that it’s BS this guy was fired, because there’s no way these snow cones were getting sold anyway. It’s Houston, who’s at the game? I call shenanigans that this guy was fired for this. Number one, he should’ve just said that he would buy all the snow cones he hadn’t sold yet. Plus, he’s on the clock. Nothing is better than dumping on the clock. Number two (no pun intended) who gives a s*** (no pun intended)? You wash your hands afterwards and go about your business. It’s not like his hands are going to come directly in the area that you will be eating anyway. When you go to a restaurant do you know when the last time the cook took a dump was? Or that waitress that seems all nice and pleasant? She may or may not have just taken a huge steamy dump right before she brought you your complementary rolls. I don’t know and quite frankly I don’t want to know. Have you ever taken a dump at a big stadium like this? If so, you must’ve been in a really desperate situation, because dumping at a sporting event like this is a big no-no for everyone. Stadiums are filled with drunks who piss all over the seats that you have to sit on. Then you have to come out of the stall and there’s a bunch of people waiting for you to come out so they can piss. They can finally put a face to the image of your shoes and pants. You are now THAT guy. The guy who took a dump at the game.

For that reason I give this guy a pass. He must’ve had some bad Mexican food, after all this is Houston. There’s no way he would be doing this if it wasn’t an absolute emergency. What was he supposed to do with his snow cones? Leave them outside the bathroom? Is the air in the bathroom any worse than the air in the concourse? Kind of reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George can’t donate a book to charity because it’s been in the bathroom. And Rebecca DeMornay isn’t havin’ none of that.

The biggest dooshnozzle in all of this is the guy that filmed this. Don’t act like you’re better than the snow cone guy. First of all, you’re videotaping another man while he defecates in the bathroom. Who does that? Taking pictures or video of the bathroom is a HUGE social faux-pas. Tell your friends about if you want, but put your camera away. What happens in a men’s bathroom stays in a men’s bathroom. The best is the dude’s quote that was taping it afterwards:

“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. This guy is taking a dump. There’s no doubt about it.”

What couldn’t you believe? Yes, even the snow cone guy has to take dumps. Everyone dumps. This guy thought he cracked the case when the security guard came in. “That’s real talk” he told the security guard. Yea dude, you’re a real hero. Real talk. The whole process of taking a dump is humiliating. Human beings are never weaker than when they are dumping. At least for guys when you’re standing up at the urinal you feel like you’re in control of your own destiny. You aim wherever you want. You can go one handed, no-handed, or in some cases two-handed (sucks to be you); whatever you wanna do.

Dumping though, you have to assume this humiliating position squatting. It smells terrible, and if it lasts less than five minutes you feel like the situation isn’t really resolved yet. I’d say the ideal amount of time is approximately 20 minutes.

And who the hell invented the dumping stall? Someone who is pure evil, for sure. Why doesn’t the door go ALL THE WAY DOWN??!!! What is the purpose of that? It just adds to the public humiliation of it all. Not only are you in this awkward position, making strange sounds and producing vile aromas, but all anyone can see are your feet and pants. You can be the proudest and strongest guy in the world, but at that moment you have never been more vulnerable. Remember what happened in Jurassic Park?

And hey, everyone dumps. Babes included. Guys are just more proud and open about their dumps. It’s really a masculine thing, kind of like weight lifting and dipping (tobacco). There’s nothing feminine about dumping. So the thought of a hot girl dumping just doesn’t seem right. You see this beautiful gorgeous woman that looks amazing and smells great. You could never imagine yourself being with her because you’re such a disgusting slob. But the reality is she takes some giant dumps too. She’ll go out of her way to hide it though. When girls go number two, it’s an in and out situation. No laptop, no newspaper, no kindle fire. They can’t let us know that they can produce the same disgusting smells and sounds that we can. But they do. So what do you think? What is the etiquette for dumping at a major sporting event? What about vendors? What’s the protocol for their dumps? Feel free to share your thoughts and comments to keep the conversation going about dumps.

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Two Crazy British Muslims Kill British Soldier In Broad Daylight: How Is This Not A Bigger Story?

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A horrifying daytime attack by local terrorists armed with meat cleavers has left a U.K. soldierdead in the street in southeast London. The crazed killers shouted “Allahu Akbar” after completing their grisly crime and then demanded stunned passers-by take video.

A chilling video shows one of the killers speaking as blood drips from his hands and the weapon immediately after beheading a local soldier.

“We swear by Almighty Allah we will never stop fighting you. The only reasons we have done this is because Muslims are dying every day. This British soldier is an eye for an eye a tooth for tooth,” the blood-stained man in a hoodie says to the camera. “We apologise that women had to see this today but in our lands our women have to see the same. You people will never be safe. Remove your government. They don’t care about you”

The murderers wandered around lecturing horrified onlookers and demanded photographs and video be taken of the grisly scene. The Sun says the solider was decapitated.

How is this not a bigger story right now? I understand it’s across the Atlantic Ocean, but a Muslim beheaded a British soldier in broad daylight in America Jr. The only story worthy of being covered more than this is the Oklahoma tornado. Nothing else can compare to this story.

I know this is a sensitive issue and all, but we can we please just stop with this “Islam is a religion of peace” nonsense. It’s obviously not. Nine times out of ten when something like this goes down, it’s Muslims. Sure, murders happen all the time, so you can’t blame that solely on a religion. But killing people in the name of Jesus went out of style in the 1400′s. Then the initial reaction of the bleeding hearts is always to point out that Islam is a peaceful religion and these guys are just wackjobs who interpreted the Quran wrong.

If that happened once or twice they might have a case. But this happens, ALL. THE. TIME. At what point do you say that Islam just might not be a peaceful religion? At what point do you say that there’s something fundamentally wrong with an organized religion that forces women to cover their faces, doesn’t let them drive cars, and allows men to marry nine-year old girls (legal in Iran and Saudi Arabia).

What else does Sharia Law call for in Islamic nations? Death for the following offenses: adultery, blasphemy, and homosexuality. Amputations are standard punishment for theft. And sex before marriage? That requires a public flogging. Oh yea, and in Pakistan if a girl is raped and there are less than 4 witnesses, then she is guilty of fortification and gets her flogging.

So yea, really peaceful religion ya got there. As soon as this happened the AOL machine was filled with comments from people defending this peaceful way of life. I realize that all religions have crazy people that follow them. But they’re few and far between. This is business as usual in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, and pretty much every other country where the ultimate authority is Allah.

Maybe, just maybe it is the peaceful Muslims who are interpreting the Quran wrong? I don’t know, because I’m not an expert on the faith. I know there’s some really nice Muslim people out there. The ironic part is if they came out and said that the wackjobs were interpreting Islam the wrong way, it would result in a death sentence on their heads. But do we ever get to just outright blame the religion itself? I mean, how many times does this have to happen before we get to stop being so politically correct?

That’s my religious rant. Now here’s a quote from one of the eyewitnesses at the scene of the crime to send you out. I dare you to try to understand what the hell this guy is saying…

“‘The two black bredas run this white guy over over then hop out the car and start chopping mans head off with machete!! ‘People were asking whyyy whyyy they were just saying we’ve had enough! They looked like they were on sutn! Then they start waving a recolver

‘Then boydem turn up!! Woolwich feds didnt want it… They had to wait for armed response.. Helicopters everyting…

‘Then thats how u know they were on sutn cos they actually went for armed feds with just two machete and an old rusty lookin revolver

‘The first guy goes for the female fed with the machete and she not even ramping she took man out like robocop never seen nutn like it ‘Then the next breda try buss off the rusty 45 and it just backfires and blows mans finger clean off… Feds didnt pet to just take him out!! ‘These times i was just going to the shop for some fruit and veg and i see all that!’”

I believe he’s trying to say that the two suspects were tripping face, and after they committed the murder one of them got shot up by a female robocop before the other one had his gun discharge in his hands and blew his hand up? Good luck trying to understand what these Cockney bastards are trying to say.

What do you think? Are these two British morons just local idiots or are they representative of a much bigger problem? Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

If you like the Red Sox check out my Red Sox blogs from rantsports.com.

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Twelve Year Old Little Leaguer’s Dad Wants Parents To Stop Booing His Son For Striking Out Nine Year Olds

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Little League is a sports association of inclusion, with teams finding ways to accommodate those who might not play elsewhere. There’s even an entire division for players who are mobility impaired.

Yet a Little League in Massachusetts has taken a hard line against one 12-year-old, and not because of anything he’s lacking. Rather, he’s just too good on the mound … or at least with “too much power.”

As reported by MassLive.com, the web home of the Springfield Republican, 12-year-old Westfield, Mass. native Tanner Beebe is a member of a team in the Westfield “Minor League” division, in which all his friends and other 12-year-olds play. Like any number of players in the division, Beebe is an aspiring pitcher, and appeared dominant early in the season. That’s when a league official clocked him tossing 60 mile-per-hour strikes from the traditional Little League mound – roughly equivalent to an 80 mile-per-hour MLB changeup – the league stepped in and banned him from pitching.

The reason for the ban is that technically Beebe is too old to pitch in the Minors division. Yet the Westfield League has traditionally let 12-year-olds continue to pitch regardless of age or size.

Beebe isn’t a threat for his size – he stands approximately 5-foot-1 and 90 pounds – but he is for his talent. Yet, rather than see him promoted to the higher “Majors” division, Beebe and his father, with support of league officials, agreed that he should continue playing in the Minors. There’s a good reason for that, too; before this year Beebe had focused on lacrosse, so he is only making his baseball debut at age 12.

I don’t know little Tanner Beebe, and I’m sure he’s a nice young lad. With that being said though his parents are complete morons who are quite possibly ruining his life.

So I looked into this story a little more because this couldn’t possibly be the whole story. Turns out there was more to it. In Little League there is a national governing body that sets the rules. Those rules stipulate that 12 year olds can’t pitch in the “minor leagues” of a Little League association.

Well, Westfield has been violating this rule for years, and it makes sense why. Some 12 year olds are terrible athletes who are only on the team because their Moms want them to get exercise. Kind of like Smalls, from The Sandlot.

Other 12 year olds are actually 14 year olds who throw gas.

Some 12 year old pitchers from Louisville, KY throw 78 mph and look a lot like I did when I was 20. If you haven’t seen the video of me on the WB news doing an interview where I pretend to be 12 year old Aaron Alvey in 2002 (after Worcester lost to Louisville in the national championship), then you really need to watch this video.

The bottom line here is that Westfield kind of bends the national rules to make sure that the kids who would rather be forming a band with their friends can still play. It makes perfect sense, unless they start dominating. Since rules state that you can’t bring a kid up in the middle of a season, he can still play in the minors, but he just can’t pitch.

Well that’s what little Tanner was doing. He’s never played baseball before, and for some strange reason the Dad decided that age 12 would be an appropriate age to just pick up this new sport. So he starts pitching and it turns out he’s pretty nasty. He throws 60 mph as a 12 year old which is about what I throw when I’m trying to win an oversized stuffed animal at the carnival. Since he’s pitching against nine year olds he’s having a lot of success.

Well it turns out a lot of the parents on the other teams didn’t care for this. And they actually started booing. This is absolutely priceless!! I would pay money to go back in time and watch a bunch of parents boo a 12 year old. Booing a little kid because he’s dominating your littler kid? Come on man, take that s*** to Philly where it belongs.

Did I mention that Tanner’s Dad is the coach? Well that just makes this story even more fun. Dad must be proud to see his son striking out a bunch of kids who think Santa Claus is real.

The bottom line is that EVERYONE involved in this entire story is an idiot. The Dad is an idiot for letting this happen, and insisting that his son be allowed to pitch. The parents who show up at Little League games to boo children they don’t love are idiots. And the people running the league are idiots for letting this spiral out control.

The thing that makes me the most upset about this story is the reason that this kid has never played baseball before age 12. That would be because his Dad chose to have him play lacrosse instead. This is a terrible trend that needs to end now. This is America. When little boys turn five you sign them up for tee ball. You take them in the backyard and play catch. That’s like a fundamental part of being an American. Every American child should be able to throw a ball, catch a ball, and swing a bat without looking like Smalls from The Sandlot.

This trend towards lacrosse is a new thing in Massachusetts, and it’s a terrible idea. Look, there are certain sports that should just be kept to certain states. Those states just focus on producing the best caliber athletes in that sport, and this ensures that America is still the best at every sport on the planet. Texas gives us football players. New Jersey gives us basketball players. Minnesota gives us hockey players. Massachusetts has produced a bunch of Major League Baseball players.

But Lacrosse? Leave that trash in Long Island and Maryland where it belongs. Lacrosse is just what those areas do best. I went to UMass, and when I was there our Lacrosse team was in the NCAA Top 10 every year. It was fun to watch and all, but only four of the 30 something players were from Massachusetts. Here’s a list link to the roster from 2003: See for yourself. Scouts aren’t coming up here to look at little Johnny.

So the lesson that we can all learn here is that it’s really dumb to sign your kid up for lacrosse when he’s younger because he could be a nasty pitching phenom whose talents are going unnoticed until he starts getting booed by parents for striking out nine year olds.

So what do you think? Who is in the wrong here? Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

If you like the Red Sox check out my Red Sox blogs from rantsports.com.

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Follow me on Twitter @aidanfromworc and on Facebook @Aidan Fromworcester

High School Graduations: Priceless Memory Or Giant Waste Of Time?

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It’s high school graduation season, which made me think; why do so many people go to these things?

I remember thinking that a high school graduation was a really important event. Your whole family goes. They get dressed up. You take a bunch of pictures. The whole nine yards.

But what are you really celebrating?

I mean, how hard is to graduate from high school? Passing is a 60. That means that you can literally fail every single test and quiz you take in high school, make friends with a smart kid, copy his homework once in a while, do a little extra credit, and boom!! Solid 61. Pass.

Not that this is what most kids do, but it’s ultimately what you are celebrating. You could’ve gotten straight A’s your entire high school career, served on the student council, captained the water polo team, and discovered a new element on the periodic table. None of that separates you from the people on stage with you. For this night, you are their equal. You’re all getting the exact same recognition. So why is this such a big deal?

OK, I understand if you were some nood-nik that got by at the last minute by making up a paper you never passed in. Then you’re actually celebrating something. Realistically this is the last graduation of your life if that is the case. Ten years from now you will most likely have a successful business doing something you’re good at, and the kids who tried really hard will be $100,000 in debt from student loans and living with their parents.

I am speaking from experience. As a graduate of Worcester South High School, I walked across the stage with some real gems. You mostly only saw these kids in health and gym class, and usually they were yelling at the teacher and dancing. Somehow they satisfied the same requirements I did. Then their guests start yelling “First in the family, first in the family.” It was at that moment on stage that I realized what a worthless exercise all of this was.

And what if your last name starts with the letter “S” or “T”? You go all the way in the back. No one sees you the entire time except for the 10 seconds when your name is called. Then you shake the hands of a bunch of suits who don’t know your name and return back to your seat with the masses.

High school graduations are long and more often than not boring. By far the two highlights of the ceremony are when the graduates walk in, and then later when they walk out. If you’re in the crowd you feel like you’re paparazzi. You just stand there and wait for the one person you are there to see walk by. Then you say “nice job” if you’re a guy. If you’re a girl you hug them. Because after all, this is a HUGE accomplishment.

In between you have to listen to a bunch of cliche speeches. The class President usually goes first. This isn’t necessarily the smartest person, it’s just the person who speaks the best. To make things more interesting I recommend gambling.

Pick any five things from this list. Whenever the speaker says one of them you cross it off. First one to finish off their list, or whoever gets the most wins.

These memories…
Comment about random teacher most kids found funny….
Comment about random teacher that most kids found difficult….
We are the future…
As we begin another chapter in our lives…
Thank you to whatever teacher was in charge of the yearbook…
We came in as strangers, we leave as friends….
Quote from a movie
Quote from a song
Quote from a poem
As we go forth into the world….
Life/education is a journey….
We made it….
All the hard work we’ve done…..
We’ve only just begin….
As one door closes…..
It seems like just yesterday…..
Look at where we are now…..
We will look back at these days as happy memories….
We have incredible talents…..
Follow your dreams….
Be true to yourself….
Martin Luther King quote
Ghandi quote
John F. Kennedy quote
Websters’s defines (fill in the blank) as…..
Be true to your dreams…..
Today is the first day of the rest of your life…..
Don’t be afraid to fail….

There’s a lot more you could put on this list. All of them are complete BS. In reality all of these have hidden meanings. I don’t know where to start, but here goes…..

JFK, MLK and Ghandi were all killed. Chances are that about three of you listening to this have the courage to die for your convictions.

Quotes from a poem or song are meant to inspire you. In reality the speaker just couldn’t write their own material so they used someone else’s.

These memories are mostly for humorous purposes. You won’t ever take anything seriously that happened in the last four years.

All the hard work we’ve done refers to the speaker and about five other kids. The rest of you just skated by.

Look at where we are now? We’re a bunch of kids who still live with our parents.

We are the future. That is a big part of the problem.

You came in as strangers and you leave as friends. But only on Facebook.

Be true to yourself? I still have absolutely no idea what this means.

Be true to your dreams? Pretty sure most of our dreams involve lying on the beach all day. I don’t think anyone’s dream is working really, really hard.

Don’t be afraid to fail? Unless it’s a really, really stupid idea like betting your life savings on a sure winner at the race track. In that case you should definitely be afraid to fail. If you’re not afraid to fail then you’re just being a reckless moron.

So after the Class President is finished with the highlight of their lives, the valedictorian speaks. Since they use big words, only the kids from AP English understand what they are saying. They all nod in agreement.

Then the principal gets up and talks about what a special class this is. Because the rest of the classes that came before you were not special at all. They may have seemed special last year at graduation, but that’s because your class hadn’t come through yet. Now we know for sure that it is YOU who are the special ones.

In the history of graduation speeches, there has only been one worth remembering. It happened last year at Wellesley High School, when David McCullough shocked 1% of the parents when he informed them multiple times that the graduates were not special, because after all there are thousands of morons just like them who are graduating from high school right now. If you have 12 minutes, I highly suggest you watch this…

Then one of the administrators starts calling kids down one by one. When a popular kid gets called everyone screams. It sucks to be the person called after this kid. Tough act to follow. When you get half the applause that they get you look like a huge loser, even though your Mom told you several times that you are in fact cool.

Finally you’re officially pronounced graduates and you celebrate like you did something important. You walk down the aisle, see your family for a split second, and meet them later for pictures. If I could do it all over again I would just show up at the end for the pictures. No point to be there for the rest of it. Mail me my diploma of achievement.

The only important part of a graduation is the party. This isn’t a celebration of your accomplishments as a high school graduate though. Because, let’s face it, you really didn’t do much. No, it’s a celebration of the fact that you no longer have to wake up at such an unreasonable hour for at least four more years. Your parents are celebrating that you’re out of the house, and you’re celebrating the same exact thing.

So my advice to high school seniors is don’t go to your graduation. Just have a big party instead. They’re way more fun, you’re not surrounded by morons you barely know and their families, and you can just put your cap and gown on there and take pictures so you still have the priceless memories.

So what do you think? Are high school graduations really worth attending? Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

If you like the Red Sox check out my Red Sox blogs from rantsports.com.

If you enjoyed this blog feel free to share it or pass it along on Facebook, Twitter, or whatever.

Follow me on Twitter @aidanfromworc and on Facebook @Aidan Fromworcester

John Tortorella: New York Rangers Coach Likes To Swear A Lot So He Must Be Good

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The day after I wrote this blog I decided to call up Felger and Mazz and rant to them about it. Here’s the video of it:

The Boston Bruins are up on the New York Rangers two games to none, and have been the much, much better team in both games. If you’re enjoying what you’ve seen so far, you should send a big “Thank you” towards Rangers coach John Tortorella, because none of this would be possible if he wasn’t such a complete moron, boob, hack job.

Tortorella is a really crappy coach, who’s been living on his one Stanley Cup 10 years ago with the Tampa Bay Lightning. He makes up for his deficiencies as a coach by blaming his players publicly, belittling reporters at press conferences, and when in doubt just swears on live television. In his mind this makes him a good coach.

Torts is a defensive minded coach, like you’ve never seen before. If you thought Claude Julien was annoying with his inept power plays, conservative and play-to-tie game plans, and refusal to change, you should thank God Torts isn’t your coach. He’s like a nood-nik version of Julien. His players have to subscribe to his system, which mainly involves sacrificing your body by literally falling down in front of 100 mph slapshots.

It’s either Torts’ way or the highway. If you’re not willing to put your face in front of a speeding puck on every shift he has no use for you. You wanna score goals? That’s stupid. The Bruins are VERY lucky that they are going against such a moronic coach. They’re even more lucky that the Rangers chose to keep him, instead of Marion Gaborik last month.

Gaborik is one of the best pure goal scorers in hockey. He’s one of my favorite players to watch, and has scored over 40 goals thrice. None of these characteristics appealed to Tortorella. The two of them had countless run ins over the years. Torts didn’t like the fact that Gaborik’s scoring was interfering with his duty to use his body as a human shield. The coach humiliated Gaborik by demoting him to the 4th line on multiple occasions.

For instance, here’s Tortorello publicly calling out Gaborik for not being a good back checker after a game…

So Gaborik with his 40-goal prowess didn’t fit the Totorella system, which of course is diving in front of pucks and making goalie Henrik Lundvquist do the rest. Rangers management decided it wasn’t a good fit, so one of them had to go. And that person was Gaborik, as they traded him to the Columbus Blue Jackets. Despite the fact that the Rangers were LAST in the NHL in goals scored, and despite that the bag of balls they got in return (Derrik Brassard, Derek Dorsett, and John Moore), were all defensive players.

Don’t worry, Rick Nash, who had never played in a playoff game in his career at that point, will do all the scoring.

Be thankful Bruins fans, this is the type of player we’re missing this series:

Who needs all those stupid goals, when you have players doing this…

The Rangers also have the worst power play in the NHL. Yes, that’s right, there are teams with worse power plays than the Bruins. That’s because just like the Bruins, they don’t try to score on power plays. There conversion rate in the playoffs is 2 for 31 as of right now.

Captain obvious would look at the 2 for 31 and say, “Gee whiz, you have Rick Nash, Brad Richards, and great defensemen like Michael Del Zotto and Dan Girardi, why aren’t the coaches developing some kind of….I don’t know….plan, to put them in a position to score?” Not Tortorella though. There’s nothing wrong with his system. There’s nothing wrong with the coaching. It’s all left winger Carl Hagelin’s fault….

Ya got that? Carl Hagelin screws it up because he’s a jitterbug. It has nothing to do with schemes, game planes, strategy, line pairings, nothing. Just Hagelin stinks. Everything Torts is doing is perfect.

The worst part about Tortorella is his surly attitude he takes with reporters. Torts works in the biggest media market in the Western Hemishpere, so of course he’s flabbergasted when reporters want to know the answers to stupid questions like, “Why are you losing so much?” How dare you ask questions like that!! The media’s job is to throw him softball questions when the team wins, and then just don’t ask him anything at all when the team loses.

Torts also wants you to know that he swears. He’s a rebel like that. Your’e not supposed to swear on live television, but when Torts does? What are you gonna do? That’s just Torts being Torts man. Like in last night’s game with the Bruins…

Wow, did you see him just sneak “God damn” in there. What a rebel. He’s so edgy like that. He’s such a loose canon; he can just go off at any second. Let’s all focus on that so we forget what a bad coach he is.

The problem with his act is that that jive just ain’t that cute if you’re not winning. But hey, when all else fails just take it out on the media!! He especially likes to go after this one guy he picks on named Brooksie….

That’ll teach ya Brooksie. Wanna ask a question? Be prepared to have that joint broken down by Torts.

Some people are comparing him to New York Jets coach Rex Ryan. Both are defensive coaches, and both are abrasive. That is where the similarities end though. Ryan is actually being himself. He acts like a fat bastard because he IS a fat bastard. Torts is just a Masshole from Concord. Anyone can just yell at reporters. It’s easy to do when you have the microphone and you can end a press conference whenever you want. He can’t coach and he convinces his players it’s entirely their fault when they lose.

Four game sweep? Go Bruins!!

New NJ Coaching Scandal: Seton Hall Softball Coach Calls Players Aborted Fetuses, Doesn’t Let Them Go To Class

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After the Mike Rice scandal at Rutgers, a new coaching scandal has emerged at Seton Hall, which begs the question: Is every coach from New Jersey a psychotic moron?

The new award for moron of the month goes to Seton Hall softball coach Paige Smith. In a recent expose from the Newark Star Ledger it was revealed that Smith is the biggest idiot in college sports.

First of all, her team sucked. The finished 21-30. But she treats her players like they are playing in the World Series. Here are some of the more eye opening examples….

Reserve pitcher Brooke Rickards recently married her marine husband before he was deployed to Afghanistan to go risk his life for his country. She wanted to go home to see him off and say goodbye, but there was a game that weekend. Since Rickards was a reserve pitcher who only had 3 appearances in 32 games, anyone with half a brain, or half a heart would obviously grant her this leave. Not Smith though. She told Rickards that “You’re letting your team down if you go.”

Smith made a rule that athletes were not allowed to speak to family or friends between double headers, which have long waiting periods between games.
Two sophomores who never played had to do a presentation for their business class in front of representatives from Johnson to Johnson, but they had a road game in San Diego. Since it was required for class, and since it gave the girls an opportunity for internships (which they both ended up getting) they obviously had to stay. Since neither of them will be playing professional softball (it doesn’t exist) they obviously had to do this, since it could lead to a job opportunity. Coach Smith berated them in front of the whole team saying, “These two are choosing that team over this team.” They were suspended for the rest of the season.

Rickards was dismissed from the team for going to Spanish class instead of a mid-week game, despite the fact that Smith had allowed students to miss games for classes they were in danger of failing. Rickards had missed 20 spanish classes already due to softball, and couldn’t afford to miss another one. The decision to let her go was backed up by an NCAA rule that says that students can be forced to miss class for road games. Seton Hall was playing at the mighty Stony Brook, NY that weekend.
During practices Smith would divide the team into two groups that she called, “the aborted fetuses” and “the booze bags.” When reserve senior Cashel Gaffey pointed out that this was probably inappropriate considering that Seton Hall is a catholic school, Coach Smith responded by saying, “‘What I think is appropriate is for you to run for the entire practice.”

This lady is a moron for so many reasons. For starters, it’s college softball. Who goes to college softball games? I would assume the parents, some really close friends, and shady dudes that are trying to make it with the second baseman. Stop acting like this is some type of sport that really matters.

Softball is not a revenue producing sport. Only football and men’s basketball are. The rest of the sports are basically just a drain on the school’s athletic budget. They cost the school a lot of money by paying for scholarships, road trips, coaches salaries, equipment, etc. Therefore winning and losing ultimately doesn’t matter. Sure it’s nice if you win, but if you don’t, who cares? In football you can make millions by getting into the right bowl game. In basketball you can make millions off of merchandise if you make the NCAA tournament. You could win the National Championship in softball and NO ONE would give s***.

Since softball doesn’t raise any revenue that would qualify Coach Smith as a leach. She collects a paycheck, complete with health insurance and benefits, from the school and in return gives them a 20-31 record. Remind me what the school is getting out of her.

This is a classic example of a woman who thinks that everyone cares so much about her pointless existence. You all know the type. Like the girl who doesn’t shut up about what she wants to get her masters in, or what she did at the gym that day. She LIVES for college softball, because it’s all she’s got. Therefore everyone else MUST live for it too. If you think about stupid things like what you’re going to do for the rest of your life after college, or saying goodbye to your husband for possibly the last time, then you’re obviously not Seton Hall material. Take that trash to Rutgers. Every aspect of your life must revolve around this garbage 20-31 team.

The most important thing to remember about Coach Smith’s rules are that she gets to choose the names for groups during practice. If she chooses “aborted fetuses” for your group, don’t be a baby about it (no pun intended).

Also if you like the Red Sox feel free to check out my Sox blogs for Rantsports.com.

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