I don’t care how old you are, dumps are always funny. This has to be considered the highlight of the Houston Astros season right? They’re 14-33, and only getting worse. They’ve allowed 89 more runs than they’ve scored. Second worst in the AL is the Toronto Blue Jays at -43. They’re pretty much as bad as you get, and fans in Houston have no reason to go the games.
I guess I want to start by saying that it’s BS this guy was fired, because there’s no way these snow cones were getting sold anyway. It’s Houston, who’s at the game? I call shenanigans that this guy was fired for this. Number one, he should’ve just said that he would buy all the snow cones he hadn’t sold yet. Plus, he’s on the clock. Nothing is better than dumping on the clock. Number two (no pun intended) who gives a s*** (no pun intended)? You wash your hands afterwards and go about your business. It’s not like his hands are going to come directly in the area that you will be eating anyway. When you go to a restaurant do you know when the last time the cook took a dump was? Or that waitress that seems all nice and pleasant? She may or may not have just taken a huge steamy dump right before she brought you your complementary rolls. I don’t know and quite frankly I don’t want to know. Have you ever taken a dump at a big stadium like this? If so, you must’ve been in a really desperate situation, because dumping at a sporting event like this is a big no-no for everyone. Stadiums are filled with drunks who piss all over the seats that you have to sit on. Then you have to come out of the stall and there’s a bunch of people waiting for you to come out so they can piss. They can finally put a face to the image of your shoes and pants. You are now THAT guy. The guy who took a dump at the game.
For that reason I give this guy a pass. He must’ve had some bad Mexican food, after all this is Houston. There’s no way he would be doing this if it wasn’t an absolute emergency. What was he supposed to do with his snow cones? Leave them outside the bathroom? Is the air in the bathroom any worse than the air in the concourse? Kind of reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George can’t donate a book to charity because it’s been in the bathroom. And Rebecca DeMornay isn’t havin’ none of that.
The biggest dooshnozzle in all of this is the guy that filmed this. Don’t act like you’re better than the snow cone guy. First of all, you’re videotaping another man while he defecates in the bathroom. Who does that? Taking pictures or video of the bathroom is a HUGE social faux-pas. Tell your friends about if you want, but put your camera away. What happens in a men’s bathroom stays in a men’s bathroom. The best is the dude’s quote that was taping it afterwards:
“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. This guy is taking a dump. There’s no doubt about it.”
What couldn’t you believe? Yes, even the snow cone guy has to take dumps. Everyone dumps. This guy thought he cracked the case when the security guard came in. “That’s real talk” he told the security guard. Yea dude, you’re a real hero. Real talk. The whole process of taking a dump is humiliating. Human beings are never weaker than when they are dumping. At least for guys when you’re standing up at the urinal you feel like you’re in control of your own destiny. You aim wherever you want. You can go one handed, no-handed, or in some cases two-handed (sucks to be you); whatever you wanna do.
Dumping though, you have to assume this humiliating position squatting. It smells terrible, and if it lasts less than five minutes you feel like the situation isn’t really resolved yet. I’d say the ideal amount of time is approximately 20 minutes.
And who the hell invented the dumping stall? Someone who is pure evil, for sure. Why doesn’t the door go ALL THE WAY DOWN??!!! What is the purpose of that? It just adds to the public humiliation of it all. Not only are you in this awkward position, making strange sounds and producing vile aromas, but all anyone can see are your feet and pants. You can be the proudest and strongest guy in the world, but at that moment you have never been more vulnerable. Remember what happened in Jurassic Park?
And hey, everyone dumps. Babes included. Guys are just more proud and open about their dumps. It’s really a masculine thing, kind of like weight lifting and dipping (tobacco). There’s nothing feminine about dumping. So the thought of a hot girl dumping just doesn’t seem right. You see this beautiful gorgeous woman that looks amazing and smells great. You could never imagine yourself being with her because you’re such a disgusting slob. But the reality is she takes some giant dumps too. She’ll go out of her way to hide it though. When girls go number two, it’s an in and out situation. No laptop, no newspaper, no kindle fire. They can’t let us know that they can produce the same disgusting smells and sounds that we can. But they do. So what do you think? What is the etiquette for dumping at a major sporting event? What about vendors? What’s the protocol for their dumps? Feel free to share your thoughts and comments to keep the conversation going about dumps.
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